she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize
