I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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