Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
