She went from zero to smokin in five shots
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
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