it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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