Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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