Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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