I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I will be naked everywhere
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
