guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I just googled if crying burns calories
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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