i was born a porn star she said
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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