Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Randomize
