o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
