I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Randomize
