I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
