my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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