I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize