you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize
