I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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