id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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