wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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