Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Randomize
