Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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