It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
