Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
