By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
