just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
