I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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