Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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