I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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