I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
