I faked an abortion last night.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
you will always have a special place in my vag
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
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