Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
