I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Randomize
