he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
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