I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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