i would punch a child for taco bell
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
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