it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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