I accidentally had phone sex last night
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
