I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
