Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
