he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
