and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
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