The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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