The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
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