I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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