Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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