I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
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