Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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