People in love make me want to vomit
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
