he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
