I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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