NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
