so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Just invented taco cereal.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
