Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
