She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Randomize
